We assume you’re here because your temper got the best of you. Maybe you bit your partner’s head off the second they walked through the door after work. Or you screamed at your unsuspecting mom. Or you snapped at a customer service rep who was just trying to do their job. In other words, you lost your shit. And now, after unleashing your version of the Hulk, you may be left with lingering guilt and regret.
For the most part, the occasional outburst is a natural part of being human. (If you throw a tantrum whenever something pushes your buttons, however, or your anger is hurting your relationships, it might be time to see a professional.)
Still, that doesn’t mean it feels good, and while you can’t go back and change your explosive reaction, there are some steps you can take to remedy the situation. The next time you flip out and wish you hadn’t, consider taking the expert advice below.
Physically remove yourself from the situation.
Your first instinct may be to jump into doing damage control—over-explaining yourself and overthinking what you could’ve and should’ve done differently. But it’s actually more helpful to step away, if you can, before attempting to problem solve, Anita Avedian, LMFT, founder of Avedian Counseling Center in Los Angeles and author of Anger Management Essentials: A Workbook for People to Manage their Aggression, tells SELF.
This might mean telling your partner, “I need a breather,” and going outside for a walk around the block so you can calm down before diving back into a (more constructive) conversation. Or, if you lost it because the Starbucks barista messed up your order, sip on your peppermint mocha in the car for 10 minutes until both of you have cooled down a bit—and maybe then you can return inside to apologize or give a proper tip.
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“It’s very difficult to be rational when you’re heated in the moment,” Avedian says, and the last thing you want to do is say or do something you’ll regret even more (like justifying your behavior or impulsively blurting out even more hurtful words).
Try a quick deep breathing exercise.
When you’re feeling cranky, irritable, or frustrated, “diaphragmatic breathing” can help, Jelena Kecmanovic, PhD, founder of the Arlington-DC Behavior Therapy Institute and adjunct professor of psychology at Georgetown University, tells SELF. It might sound complicated, but it just means breathing through your belly, rather than your chest, as SELF previously reported.
Here’s one way to do it, per Dr. Kecmanovic: Place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, paying close attention to how your belly and ribcage rise and fall. This simple exercise can not only relieve stress, according to research, but it can also help move your attention away from lingering guilt or anxiety, Dr. Kecmanovic says. And when your mind isn’t clouded by such intense emotions, you’ll probably be able to think a bit more clearly—and act a lot more effectively.
Recognize that a little guilt may not be such a bad thing.
Feeling bad about flipping out can be a good thing, Dr. Kecmanovic says. It takes a lot of self-awareness to recognize that yelling and hurling insults aren’t the best ways to handle a frustrating situation, and “that initial guilt and self-criticism can be a subtle acknowledgment that you know you should’ve dealt with your anger in a better way,” Dr. Kecmanovic says.
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That’s not to say you should beat yourself up (that definitely won’t help) but know that the pang of regret you’re feeling just means you care about other people—and that it can help you move forward, since the first step to fixing “bad” behavior is recognizing it, Dr. Kecmanovic adds.
Be specific when you apologize.
Saying “sorry” may seem like the obvious move when losing your temper has hurt someone else, but all apologies aren’t created equal. How you say it matters—which is why Avedian recommends being specific and not just offering a general “I messed up.”
For example, you can say something like, “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I shouldn’t have talked to you in such a mean way.” Even better, include a commitment to how you’ll improve in the future, Avedian suggests, like: “I’m going to make an effort to manage my emotions, so I don’t take my family stress out on you again. That was unfair.”
Think about how you’ll handle your anger better next time.
Speaking of focusing on the future…dwelling on the blow-up that already happened won’t change a thing. So instead of replaying that ugly moment in your head over (and over) again, here’s a more productive way to cope: Reframe your freak-out as a learning experience.
“Often, people feel so bad, so ashamed, that they isolate themselves or avoid looking into what happened,” Dr. Kecmanovic says, which can keep you stuck in that cycle of negative self-talk and avoidance. Once you’ve calmed down, take a few minutes to think about or, ideally, write down what you’ll do differently the next time you’re pissed, Avedian suggests.
For example, it can be helpful to keep the focus on yourself by using “I” statements versus blaming someone else for your frustration. This might look like telling your messy partner or roommate, “Hey, I’d really appreciate it if you could take out the trash next time it’s full,” instead of snapping at them for “never” pulling their weight. You can also consider these helpful tips to prevent you from taking your anger out on your partner, kids, parents—basically anyone.
Owning up to your little fiery fit can be uncomfortable (especially if you feel ashamed or you’re not great at admitting your mistakes). But according to the experts we spoke with, a genuine effort to acknowledge and reflect on what happened—and then work toward preventing another eruption—is the best way to move forward when you’re drowning in a sea of shame.
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